Another Quick Exercise in Emotional Intelligence

Have you ever been in a situation in which you thought you were going to die?

Such an experience might have arisen through illness (or in the belief that you were ill) or perhaps an occasion in which your life literally did hang in the balance.  

I do hope that you’ve never had to experience the tremendous sensations of impending doom that accompanies such an event, but, if you’re of a ‘certain age’, then there’s a good chance that you might have had to live through these emotions before.

For those of you that have experienced a time  when you thought that your end was near, you will have probably gone through a cycle of panic, grief and then a reluctant acceptance of your fate.  If you have never had to experience anything like this in the past – then there’s a good chance that you will do at some point in your lifetime; after all, all our deaths are inevitable.

But, when you’re going through the process; as the dust begins to settle and you’ve moved on to the phase of acceptance, you will examine your life (provided you are afforded the luxury of time) and consider the people that have passed through it.  Over an average life time, it’s inevitable as death itself that there will be people with whom a relationship no longer exists.  Ex-friends if you will; or family members or extended family members with whom a healthy relationship once enjoyed ended as abruptly as the onset of your now all-consuming fear.  How will you feel about these people when you’re going to die?

Let me tell you…

You won’t care anymore about the fight that you had.  You no longer care who was right and who was wrong.  What they did or said no longer matters.  For all intent and purpose, you will forgive them.  Because, as they say; ‘life is too short’ and, you now have ‘bigger fish to fry.’
The act of forgiveness can be extremely difficult to carry out.  Your natural response is to protect yourself and those that you love.  It’s arguably easier to forgive those that hurt you than it is to forgive those that hurt your loved ones.  But forgiveness hides in all of us.  We just need a moment to allow it.

The ability to forgive is incredibly powerful.  It brings with it an inner peace.  It allows for emotionally intelligent behaviours to occur.  As you master the art of true forgiveness, you will become invigorated as the energy that was wasted on resentment is now free to be put to better use.  Your acrimonious thoughts and behaviours have been holding you back.

You might now be thinking, “But, what about reconciliation with the other party?”  Well, if you can work it all out between you then that’s a really positive outcome.  But, what if they won’t move to meet you halfway?

Well, that’s their loss!

For those of you that really are ill, I wish you comfort. 

For those of you that can’t find it in yourselves to ever forgive, I wish you comfort also.

With best wishes in all that you do.

Keith

A quick exercise to increase your Emotional Intelligence

Whenever I ask my classes of students if there is ‘anybody here that has heard of the term Emotional Intelligence?’ about half put their hands up.  Of that half, I’d say on average, half of that number have heard of the term but are unsure what Emotional Intelligence is.

Now, I could give you a textbook definition so that the interpretation of the term is clear for you to understand, or I could direct you to one of the many definitions available through a simple internet search but, I’m not going to do that.

Why?

Because you already KNOW what Emotional Intelligence is!  And I will prove this to you now.

Think of someone who has created a positive impact in your life - ideally, someone who may have been one of your teachers, or colleagues; possibly a coach, a mentor or more likely a boss.  Picture that person in your mind’s eye for a moment.  Remember, it must be someone who has left a positive indelible impression on you. 

Can you see them?  Do you know why they’re appearing in your consciousness like a friendly ghost? 

All will soon be revealed…

Ready?

Now, grab a pen and a piece of paper and write a list of one-word adjectives that describes that person.  Aim for about 8 to 10.  Are you struggling?  Okay, I’ll give you the first one for free to get you started, how about ‘Honest’ or ‘Honesty’?

Take a quick break from reading so that you can do this and then read on when you’ve finished this exercise.

What you have in front of you is a list of behavioural attributes that are probably emotionally intelligent behavioural traits.  As you recalled your mental image of this person and recollected how they used to operate – or maybe still do if they are currently in your life – you will have probably remembered them with a sense of warmth and fondness. Why?  Because you like them of course! 

You like them for who they are and what they stand for.  You like them for what they do or did.  You like them for how they conducted themselves and importantly, how they treated you.  They were probably supportive.  They probably listened.  And you would, if asked, work harder for them, harder than you would for other people – because you wanted to. 

Emotionally intelligent behaviour is an integral part of effective and positive leadership.  People are drawn to those demonstrating high EI behaviours.  Emotional Intelligence creates a positive followership.  People with high EI are listened to because they are respected.  Followers feel obliged to please them. 

Followers like you! 

What’s more, studies show that people with high levels of EI tend to do better in business as well as in life in general.  That’s why I strongly believe that developing emotional intelligent behaviours should be part of every school curriculum.  It’s my view that they are far more likely to be beneficial than studying algorithms for example. (No offence intended to all those mathematicians, economists and computer scientists out there!)

How do increase your emotional intelligence?  Use your positive role models but always remember what comes naturally.  Be accurate in your own self-assessment.  Ask yourself if others view you in the same way that you view your role model?

Collective EI behaviours create great organisational cultures.  They create companies that are considered as great places to work.  Great culture creates great performance.  Great performance usually leads to increased profit margins and the organisation wins repeat business because they also become great companies to work with.

You know what to do!

With best wishes in all that you do.

Keith

So, you want to be emotionally intelligent?

You could spend fairly sizeable chunks of your money in testing your quotient of emotional intelligence.  Or, you could take an on-line test for free which will give you some idea of where you stand in the EI charts but this type of ‘free’ test is usually nothing other than an enticement to buy something else. 

So, how can the average Joe (or Josephine) undertake a fairly reliable though admittedly unscientific, test in order to gauge where they’re at?

Simple!  Follow the instructions below:

Find a space where you can think without interruption or distraction.  Chose a place where you won’t be disturbed for about 20-minutes.  Have a pen and paper close by and relax.  Clear your mind of all thoughts.

Now...  Chose one person with whom you are familiar with on a personal basis.  This person must be someone with whom you’ve either worked with, worked for, or have been taught by etc.  It could even be a parent if you’re really stuck.  However, above all things, this person must have left an indelible positive impression on you by the way that they’ve conducted themselves in the past.  Think of the fine examples they’ve set.  How they’ve looked after people and how they’ve acted as a great role model to you.  Keep this person in your mind for at least 5-minutes or so.  Run through your memory bank of times when they really stood out.  When they really impressed you to the point when you thought “Wow!”  “I wish I was like that.” 

When you’re ready, write down adjectives you would use to describe this person to someone who had never met them.  Single words you’d use to describe their greatness.  Make a list of about 5 to 8 words.  When you've finished, set the paper aside and prepare to relax again.

This time, with your mind cleared, start to think of a person who has left the worst possible impression on you from a role-model perspective.  The anti-role-model if you will.  As before, think of the times that this person has made you angry, disappointed, frustrated, maybe even close to tears (or worse).   

When you’re ready, grab your pen and paper and start to compile your list of adjectives that you’d use to describe this person to a third-party.  Go for about 5 to 8 words, same as the last time.  When you’ve finished, put the pen down and set the paper aside. 

Now, just spend a few moments thinking about the differences in the two people you’ve thought about.  You’ll have fond memories and feelings towards the positive role model and will undoubtedly be feeling more than a little bitter about the negative person that you’ve forced yourself to remember.  It’s important right now to try not to dwell on the negative person.  After all, this person was an idiot.  And you don’t need to be wasting your time and energy on idiots.  You won’t get the time back and you’ll just feel depressed.
 

Now, look at the two lists that you’ve written.  Chances are the words you’ve chosen are opposites of each other (or very similar to opposites).  As you look at them again I’m sure you’ll begin to think of more words to write but there’s really no need.  You’re work here is almost done!

It’s safe to say that all of the positive adjectives, attributes, labels – call them what you will – are emotionally intelligent traits and characteristics. 

Your next task is to rearrange the positive adjectives that you’ve compiled into an order of which holds the most importance to you.   So, for example, if you’ve written ‘honest’, ‘friendly’ and ‘empathetic’ you need to re-write your list starting with the attribute that holds the most value to you at the top and work your way down.  Once you’ve completed this part of the exercise, you now need to ask yourself in all honesty, if you possess any of these attributes. 

Now, grade each of the attributes (out of 5 – with 5 being the highest) how ‘honest’, ‘friendly’ or ‘empathetic’ you really are.  So, you may score your level of honesty as a 5 (well done!); you may have awarded yourself a 3 for empathy (now you know there’s room for development to the power of 2) and so on.  The idea of course, is to identify the attributes and values that you share with your positive role-model and see where the room for development lays.  Once you’ve finished marking your list you must now make a solemn pledge to yourself that you will make conscious effort to reach a grade 5 in all of the attributes – starting with the ones at the top of the list as those are the ones that you’ve decided hold the most value.

And that’s it!  I did say it was simple didn’t I?

Not only have you produced your list of emotionally intelligent attributes, you’ve also set yourself a positive challenge to develop yourself in these areas.  Furthermore, you’ve also identified a person from your life that has influenced you and undoubtedly has influenced others because they were or are highly emotionally intelligent.  I know it sounds a little corny but next time you’re in a dilemma about how to behave or react to an idiot; ask yourself ‘What would my positive role-model do in this situation?’

Oh!  And about the list of negatives from that idiot you’ve resurfaced form your past? (or maybe present!)  Well, here’s what you do.  You look at the adjectives on that list and swear to yourself that you’ll always make a conscious effort never to act like that or become a replica of your anti-role model.  And once you’ve read it and made your promise to yourself – rip it up and throw it away.  You don’t need it.  After all, it’s nothing more than an idiot’s handbook.  And you my friend, are no idiot!

Wishing you all the very best, in everything that you do.

Keith