Another Quick Exercise in Emotional Intelligence

Have you ever been in a situation in which you thought you were going to die?

Such an experience might have arisen through illness (or in the belief that you were ill) or perhaps an occasion in which your life literally did hang in the balance.  

I do hope that you’ve never had to experience the tremendous sensations of impending doom that accompanies such an event, but, if you’re of a ‘certain age’, then there’s a good chance that you might have had to live through these emotions before.

For those of you that have experienced a time  when you thought that your end was near, you will have probably gone through a cycle of panic, grief and then a reluctant acceptance of your fate.  If you have never had to experience anything like this in the past – then there’s a good chance that you will do at some point in your lifetime; after all, all our deaths are inevitable.

But, when you’re going through the process; as the dust begins to settle and you’ve moved on to the phase of acceptance, you will examine your life (provided you are afforded the luxury of time) and consider the people that have passed through it.  Over an average life time, it’s inevitable as death itself that there will be people with whom a relationship no longer exists.  Ex-friends if you will; or family members or extended family members with whom a healthy relationship once enjoyed ended as abruptly as the onset of your now all-consuming fear.  How will you feel about these people when you’re going to die?

Let me tell you…

You won’t care anymore about the fight that you had.  You no longer care who was right and who was wrong.  What they did or said no longer matters.  For all intent and purpose, you will forgive them.  Because, as they say; ‘life is too short’ and, you now have ‘bigger fish to fry.’
The act of forgiveness can be extremely difficult to carry out.  Your natural response is to protect yourself and those that you love.  It’s arguably easier to forgive those that hurt you than it is to forgive those that hurt your loved ones.  But forgiveness hides in all of us.  We just need a moment to allow it.

The ability to forgive is incredibly powerful.  It brings with it an inner peace.  It allows for emotionally intelligent behaviours to occur.  As you master the art of true forgiveness, you will become invigorated as the energy that was wasted on resentment is now free to be put to better use.  Your acrimonious thoughts and behaviours have been holding you back.

You might now be thinking, “But, what about reconciliation with the other party?”  Well, if you can work it all out between you then that’s a really positive outcome.  But, what if they won’t move to meet you halfway?

Well, that’s their loss!

For those of you that really are ill, I wish you comfort. 

For those of you that can’t find it in yourselves to ever forgive, I wish you comfort also.

With best wishes in all that you do.

Keith

A quick exercise to increase your Emotional Intelligence

Whenever I ask my classes of students if there is ‘anybody here that has heard of the term Emotional Intelligence?’ about half put their hands up.  Of that half, I’d say on average, half of that number have heard of the term but are unsure what Emotional Intelligence is.

Now, I could give you a textbook definition so that the interpretation of the term is clear for you to understand, or I could direct you to one of the many definitions available through a simple internet search but, I’m not going to do that.

Why?

Because you already KNOW what Emotional Intelligence is!  And I will prove this to you now.

Think of someone who has created a positive impact in your life - ideally, someone who may have been one of your teachers, or colleagues; possibly a coach, a mentor or more likely a boss.  Picture that person in your mind’s eye for a moment.  Remember, it must be someone who has left a positive indelible impression on you. 

Can you see them?  Do you know why they’re appearing in your consciousness like a friendly ghost? 

All will soon be revealed…

Ready?

Now, grab a pen and a piece of paper and write a list of one-word adjectives that describes that person.  Aim for about 8 to 10.  Are you struggling?  Okay, I’ll give you the first one for free to get you started, how about ‘Honest’ or ‘Honesty’?

Take a quick break from reading so that you can do this and then read on when you’ve finished this exercise.

What you have in front of you is a list of behavioural attributes that are probably emotionally intelligent behavioural traits.  As you recalled your mental image of this person and recollected how they used to operate – or maybe still do if they are currently in your life – you will have probably remembered them with a sense of warmth and fondness. Why?  Because you like them of course! 

You like them for who they are and what they stand for.  You like them for what they do or did.  You like them for how they conducted themselves and importantly, how they treated you.  They were probably supportive.  They probably listened.  And you would, if asked, work harder for them, harder than you would for other people – because you wanted to. 

Emotionally intelligent behaviour is an integral part of effective and positive leadership.  People are drawn to those demonstrating high EI behaviours.  Emotional Intelligence creates a positive followership.  People with high EI are listened to because they are respected.  Followers feel obliged to please them. 

Followers like you! 

What’s more, studies show that people with high levels of EI tend to do better in business as well as in life in general.  That’s why I strongly believe that developing emotional intelligent behaviours should be part of every school curriculum.  It’s my view that they are far more likely to be beneficial than studying algorithms for example. (No offence intended to all those mathematicians, economists and computer scientists out there!)

How do increase your emotional intelligence?  Use your positive role models but always remember what comes naturally.  Be accurate in your own self-assessment.  Ask yourself if others view you in the same way that you view your role model?

Collective EI behaviours create great organisational cultures.  They create companies that are considered as great places to work.  Great culture creates great performance.  Great performance usually leads to increased profit margins and the organisation wins repeat business because they also become great companies to work with.

You know what to do!

With best wishes in all that you do.

Keith

Do you eat your own Dog Food?

The phrase – to ‘eat one’s own dog food’ is said to have started in Microsoft in the late 1980’s when they challenged themselves to internally promote and use their own products to demonstrate confidence in its ability.  Some may say that it’s the refined version of the saying to ‘drink one’s own Champagne’ however; I prefer the former because in my mind, to drink Champagne signals a celebration of a successful outcome when in reality, only a fool would celebrate success that was yet to be proven.

Following on from a post that I wrote back in June of this year entitled: ‘When Change can be as Good as a Rest’; my wife and I have decided to ‘eat our own dog food’ and realise an opportunity by upping sticks and relocating ourselves from the UK to France.  The move will take place in a matter of weeks.  We have rented and booked a variety of different styles of accommodation along the south coast of the country’s Languedoc region up until the end of January 2012 - with the option to extend our stay for as long as we wish for.  We’re fortunate that the UK’s membership of the European Union allows us freedom of movement to relocate to wherever in Europe that takes our fancy.  So, we’ve chosen France for a number of reasons but mostly because of the relaxed lifestyle and attitudes to the importance of ‘the family’, their first-rate healthcare system, the low crime rate (in comparison the UK) and their excellent standards of education.  And in taking advantage of this freedom of movement, our 10-year-old white Boxer dog will also be accompanying us.  She’s even got her own passport – but without the standard passport photograph!

So, as interesting and exciting as all this may be - where’s the relevance to Emotional Intelligence, Leadership or Management?

Well, if you haven’t already guessed it’s to do with the subject of ‘Change’.

We’re effectively enforcing huge change upon ourselves.  We’re seizing an opportunity that we’ve realised and we’re acting upon it.  Why?  Because we know that if we don’t attempt this now then we may at some point down the line live to regret it.  To avoid the ‘what if’s’ in years to come is something that we feel we must do.  If it doesn’t work; then we can enforce change again.  But clearly, we are not walking into this project with our eyes shut.  The realisation is both exciting and scary at the same time.  We’ve rented out our property and have made a contractual commitment to allow another family occupy our home for the next 12-months.  Although nothing is permanent; we can’t just choose to come home as soon as the going gets tough – which it inevitably will from time-to-time.

As we prepare to move through this transitional period, we have to keep focused on the anticipated challenges that change brings. I’ve been looking at work undertaken by John Fisher in relation to his model entitled ‘The Process of Transition’ so that we know what to expect as and when things happen.  Similar to experiences encountered through the grieving process, Fisher takes the view that reaction to personal change occurs as follows:

Anxiety.  Are we anxious?  Well, yes, indeed we are!  Not knowing what the future holds is daunting.  I mentioned earlier that the ‘what if’s’ may play on our minds for eternity if we don’t take this chance – but right now, the ‘what if’s’ are: ‘What if we don’t like it?  Can’t settle?  Aren’t accepted?  Miss home and family members?  What if we soon decide that the adventure has been one huge mistake?’  The ‘what if’s’ are still there.  They’re just a different set of ‘what if’s’.  So anxiety comes into play and will do until (if ever) we make the final decision to relocate permanently or not.      

Happiness.  For happiness I guess you could read anticipation.  It’s exciting!  Our hopes and dreams may be realised and the fact that we are making concerted changes to our lives, hopefully for the better, makes us happy.  There’s obviously something wrong somewhere that has brought about this idea in the first place.  Something strong enough for us to make such a large leap of faith and set about changing our lives that brings hope and the happiness we’re seeking.

Fear.  Like anxiety can sometimes grip you when you’re least expecting it. And that emotion gets stronger each time you achieve one of your objectives to reach your goal.  For example, last week I left my permanent job in order to embark on this adventure.  It was only when I was given a leaving gift and a card signed by my friends at work did I realise how ‘real’ the situation was.  That my imminent departure was not just some desire I’d once shared with my wife whilst watching numerous television programmes about relocating to the sun, but that this was really happening!

Threat.  For threat read worry.  We’re moving into a completely new and alien environment.  Despite the UK’s close geographical proximity to France there is a vast difference in cultures and expectations.  The mindsets are worlds apart.  The threat of not being accepted or almost worse, of having to come back and not be accepted is great – even if it may be a false threat. 

Guilt.  On many levels.  Feeling pangs of guilt that we’re moving away from loved ones.  That we may be betraying our own country by going to another.  Guilt that we’re acting selfishly as adults and that our son who will soon be having his fourth birthday celebrations away from his big sister and Grandparents makes us feel guilty.

Depression.  The loss of self-identity, that we don’t belong no matter how hard we try to integrate.  The feeling that we’ve made the wrong impression.  The depressing notion that we’ll long to turn back time and wish that we had not made the move in the first place.  The list is endless.  What if we never settle?  What if we’re seeking a utopia that doesn’t exist?  How will be feel of this does not work out as planned?

Following these emotions come disillusionment, hostility and denial.  They’re all great feelings to be looking forward to right?  Only happiness seems to be the positive emotion that awaits us – the rest, I’m sure you’ll agree are pretty gloomy. 

After reading this you may well ask: ‘So why do it?’

The reason is because that without taking chances and making changes the predictability of the square root of nothing happening is high.  Life will go on and on and before you know it the opportunities are lost and one of the few things left to keep you company are the ‘what if’s’.  Let’s face it; no one ever achieved anything without taking a risk.

What changes do you want to make to your life? 

More importantly, what changes CAN you make to your life?

Despite all of the above, we live in hope that there will soon come a time when we will be ‘drinking our own Champagne’.  After all, given its origins, what better country to do it in?

Wishing you well in everything that you do and in the changes that you may make.

Keith

So, you want to be emotionally intelligent?

You could spend fairly sizeable chunks of your money in testing your quotient of emotional intelligence.  Or, you could take an on-line test for free which will give you some idea of where you stand in the EI charts but this type of ‘free’ test is usually nothing other than an enticement to buy something else. 

So, how can the average Joe (or Josephine) undertake a fairly reliable though admittedly unscientific, test in order to gauge where they’re at?

Simple!  Follow the instructions below:

Find a space where you can think without interruption or distraction.  Chose a place where you won’t be disturbed for about 20-minutes.  Have a pen and paper close by and relax.  Clear your mind of all thoughts.

Now...  Chose one person with whom you are familiar with on a personal basis.  This person must be someone with whom you’ve either worked with, worked for, or have been taught by etc.  It could even be a parent if you’re really stuck.  However, above all things, this person must have left an indelible positive impression on you by the way that they’ve conducted themselves in the past.  Think of the fine examples they’ve set.  How they’ve looked after people and how they’ve acted as a great role model to you.  Keep this person in your mind for at least 5-minutes or so.  Run through your memory bank of times when they really stood out.  When they really impressed you to the point when you thought “Wow!”  “I wish I was like that.” 

When you’re ready, write down adjectives you would use to describe this person to someone who had never met them.  Single words you’d use to describe their greatness.  Make a list of about 5 to 8 words.  When you've finished, set the paper aside and prepare to relax again.

This time, with your mind cleared, start to think of a person who has left the worst possible impression on you from a role-model perspective.  The anti-role-model if you will.  As before, think of the times that this person has made you angry, disappointed, frustrated, maybe even close to tears (or worse).   

When you’re ready, grab your pen and paper and start to compile your list of adjectives that you’d use to describe this person to a third-party.  Go for about 5 to 8 words, same as the last time.  When you’ve finished, put the pen down and set the paper aside. 

Now, just spend a few moments thinking about the differences in the two people you’ve thought about.  You’ll have fond memories and feelings towards the positive role model and will undoubtedly be feeling more than a little bitter about the negative person that you’ve forced yourself to remember.  It’s important right now to try not to dwell on the negative person.  After all, this person was an idiot.  And you don’t need to be wasting your time and energy on idiots.  You won’t get the time back and you’ll just feel depressed.
 

Now, look at the two lists that you’ve written.  Chances are the words you’ve chosen are opposites of each other (or very similar to opposites).  As you look at them again I’m sure you’ll begin to think of more words to write but there’s really no need.  You’re work here is almost done!

It’s safe to say that all of the positive adjectives, attributes, labels – call them what you will – are emotionally intelligent traits and characteristics. 

Your next task is to rearrange the positive adjectives that you’ve compiled into an order of which holds the most importance to you.   So, for example, if you’ve written ‘honest’, ‘friendly’ and ‘empathetic’ you need to re-write your list starting with the attribute that holds the most value to you at the top and work your way down.  Once you’ve completed this part of the exercise, you now need to ask yourself in all honesty, if you possess any of these attributes. 

Now, grade each of the attributes (out of 5 – with 5 being the highest) how ‘honest’, ‘friendly’ or ‘empathetic’ you really are.  So, you may score your level of honesty as a 5 (well done!); you may have awarded yourself a 3 for empathy (now you know there’s room for development to the power of 2) and so on.  The idea of course, is to identify the attributes and values that you share with your positive role-model and see where the room for development lays.  Once you’ve finished marking your list you must now make a solemn pledge to yourself that you will make conscious effort to reach a grade 5 in all of the attributes – starting with the ones at the top of the list as those are the ones that you’ve decided hold the most value.

And that’s it!  I did say it was simple didn’t I?

Not only have you produced your list of emotionally intelligent attributes, you’ve also set yourself a positive challenge to develop yourself in these areas.  Furthermore, you’ve also identified a person from your life that has influenced you and undoubtedly has influenced others because they were or are highly emotionally intelligent.  I know it sounds a little corny but next time you’re in a dilemma about how to behave or react to an idiot; ask yourself ‘What would my positive role-model do in this situation?’

Oh!  And about the list of negatives from that idiot you’ve resurfaced form your past? (or maybe present!)  Well, here’s what you do.  You look at the adjectives on that list and swear to yourself that you’ll always make a conscious effort never to act like that or become a replica of your anti-role model.  And once you’ve read it and made your promise to yourself – rip it up and throw it away.  You don’t need it.  After all, it’s nothing more than an idiot’s handbook.  And you my friend, are no idiot!

Wishing you all the very best, in everything that you do.

Keith

Academic snobbery? It's really not that clever!

My school report card was fairly predictable.  ‘Must try harder’ and ‘easily distracted’ was written with regular monotony.  I was always told that I was capable but lacked the capacity to concentrate or that I possessed the inclination to pay only so much as a blind bit of notice.  Of course, it would be easy to fire-up the blame thrower and point it in the direction of the sub-standard tuition.  Or I could blame my divorced parents and the fact that I’d been brought up single-handedly by my widowed Grandmother who cleaned for other people in her spare time.  But in truth, that would be a kop out.  The reality is that I was nothing other than bored.  

In the late 1970s and early 1980s only the really clever kids stayed on at school.  Most of my friends left as soon as they could to pursue employment in the local factory assembly lines and such like.  I had become a burden on my poor old Grandmother and on one of his rare visits, my Father told me that I was to leave home and join the Military; and the prospect of distancing myself even further away from him was too great a temptation, so for the first and last time ever; I took his advice and signed my life away.  Thirteen weeks after my formal education ceased and without taking any examinations, I stepped on a train at the age of sixteen and left my small Welsh hometown to start my Military career, which little did I know at the time, was to span over the next 28-years.

I loved the sense of belonging I got in my first few months of being in the Military.  It was something that I had never experienced before.  It didn’t matter how clever you were or where you came from - we were all in the same boat.  All of us were equal.  Or equally as dumb as each other as our Corporal would enthusiastically remind us on a daily basis.  But I didn’t mind that.  In fact, the more junior you were the greater the license you had to be dumb. It was expected.  They’d pretty much catered for it.

But over time I began to notice a difference.  Those that had done well in school and university were given a commission – they were the Officers.  As a rule, Officers and their men (and women) did not mix.  Relationships were very superficial; a series of transactional incidences that gave no insight into real personalities.  There was a difference between us.  An ‘us and them’ existence.  But it was okay.  Until you were treated unfairly purely on the back of your limited educational achievements – or for not having any in my case.  This was my first exposure to Academic snobbery and I thought it was largely un-necessary.  I knew even then that having a string of academic qualifications did not necessarily mean that you knew what made people ‘tick.’  And at times it appeared that the more one had achieved in the world of academia; the more obnoxious one could become.

Clearly what was lacking were displays of empathy, understanding, communication and the awareness of others.  Snobbery built up resentment.  There were however, a lot of Officers that weren’t like that.  The decent Officers.  They’d afford you the time of day and appeared genuinely interested in what you had to say because they respected your experience and understood your frustration.  And often, it was these ‘good’ Officers that held the lion’s share of academic qualifications.  These were the Leaders that you’d follow.  Because they’d shown an interest.  You may have complained to them about a previous matter such as lack of equipment or because someone in command was being especially uncooperative, and these guys (these really clever guys) had it fixed for you.  And in doing so they’d won your trust.  You were now prepared to follow them, risk your life for them – because they were emotionally intelligent.

As a trainer, I like to start off my Emotional Intelligence classes with a simple yet effective test.  I ask half of the class to think of someone with whom they have come into contact at some point in their lives that had left an indelible positive impression on them.  A role model if you will.  Conversely, I ask the second half of the class to think of someone who had left a similarly powerful but negative impression.  A word of warning here, you have to be cautious because it’s usually easier for people to bring back those negative ghosts and forget about the role models.  I guess its human nature that we’re more likely to remember and recall bad experiences over good ones.  So the session can get quite heated if not controlled adequately.  There’s a lot of stirring of old emotions.  But what’s interesting is the end result.  I always find that the characteristics of the positive role model example are all intrinsically linked to high levels of emotional intelligence.  This exercise tells the participants exactly what emotional intelligence is all about better than any drawn-out descriptive statement from a textbook.  You should try the exercise for yourself.  There will be two key things to take away from it.  The first is how not to behave.  The second rather predictably is how to behave.

How can we become more emotionally intelligent?  Well, my answer would be to visualise your positive role model and take their lead.  Always think of the consequences of what you do and say.  Think of the impact you are having on others and change elements of your behaviour that you know are negative or even destructive.  For some it’s a constant battle but over time it becomes second-nature.

One of the greatest accolades I could ever wish for is for someone in the audience to immediately think of me as their positive role model.  To think of me as the person that had made a positive, indelible impression on their life.   

How great that would be? 

Imagine how you would feel if they all thought of you!

In truth, it's not how smart you are.  It’s how you are smart that really matters.

With very best wishes,

 

Keith